Early August, 1998

I've been back over two months now and still I can't manage to settle into any form of normality. Maybe there never was such a thing as normal. The person I was before I left does not exist any more. But who am I now? It's harder to be here than it was to travel. I could get on the road and be much more comfortable in that limbo world of observation and experience. It would be great to avoid dealing with this world of work, taxes, gardens and people.

Wow.

So how do I deal with all of this? Waves of grumpiness crash on my head and I want to hide hide hide from everything and everybody. I feel like I'm living in the land of jello. It's out of focus and wiggling a lot; can't hold on to anything. This is not a fun house. I try and lean on things I think I learned on the trip, like letting go and believing that somehow it all works out. I do believe it, but for now, everything is uncomfortable. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be or deal with anything. I slog through the days. Tripping over conversations with others, thinking I must sound like an alien. My words and voice are distant, different and unfamiliar. I went away and only parts of me have returned. It's scary. I'm afraid because I don't know what work to do. I used to rely on my basic interest and enjoyment of computer technology. It was neat, learning all the new stuff, watching capabilities grow and evolve. But now it seems like so much politics and tempest in a teapot and I can't jump back into to the puddle. I'm trying but it does not feel good at all. I don't know what will feel right.

Sunday, middle of August, 2 ½ months back already

I am back with myself somewhere. The going doesn't seem so separate. Home feels as it should be. Maybe the disconnect has a lot to do with the anomalies of this place called Silicon Valley. It is so beautiful here; the scenery, the weather, the abundance. It is also populated with confusion, consumption, speed and complexity. Plus, it is very expensive to live here. We work at our technologically innovating companies creating methods of commerce and communication to make the world a different place. hmm. I spend a lot of time with my computer. Connected to the world of random ideas through email and web-surfing. It's isolated and feels safe. I am not sure where I fit in. A tacky books helps with escapist tendencies.

Tuesday, September 22, 1998

The trip becomes more a memory, a dream. Did I really go anywhere? The experiences blend and I am happy with the things I've learned; trust that it all works out, follow your heart, or just do the things you want to. There is no right or wrong. It's okay to be scared and take risks, my own risks. There are fears that each of us has; our own unique challenges, they are part of my private classroom of growth.

October 20, 1998

More time flying. New computers and a cold from my niece. The days whirl by. Link, my newly adopted yellow lab, places a routine on my days. He depends on me for walks, food and care. It's great. I'm taking lots of classes, from ceramics to journaling. I think I want to explore the art self in me but too often other things get in the way, like burning thefood I am trying to cook. Oh well.

Sunday, January 03, 1999

A year later. My mind follows on the journey. Where was I a year ago? Wandering in the tropical heat and humidity of Singapore, lost, tired, nervous, excited. Now I'm back in the Silicon Valley swing, sort of. I drive too fast, take for granted creature comforts and watch silly TV shows. Even so, I am not the same person that departed last year. Getting a high stress, big money job is not as important. There is a world out there that doesn't worry about internet connections and being on the inside track. Some are struggling, many live day by day, enjoying sunrises, families and the rhythms that are their lives.

My daily life is much different, more rooted and routine. I walk the dog, exercise, and work on the computer and my art. The journey of self continues even if the wanderlust has abated for a while.

March 23, 1999

I've learned so much from my travels. The journey is re-experienced through my writing. I've got a confidence in myself that wasn't there before I left. Things have a more balanced perspective. I am less likely to be seduced by the dreams of others and more true to my own star. Past challenges become clearer, the lessons learned are more obvious in hindsight. Time is both a healer and an educator. I feel more at peace with myself. This does not mean that I sit in a corner of quiet contentment. I am more energized and excited by the possibilities than ever before. The days have a freshness and a potential of my own making. I do not have to wait for permission from others to enjoy myself or feel good. This year has been a rather solitary venture. My return has maintained an aura of isolation, the solo voyage continued.

Lately I have a desire to return to a more active existence of careers and work-life interactions. I look forward to the challenges and know that I will deal with things differently than in the past. Opportunities to learn continually present themselves.

 

At home with Link.

April 12, 1999

I'm working away at the travel writing, trying hard not to censor or judge what is being said. I write to remember. It is fun to relive the days. Some were wonderful and other moments very lonely. Part of me wonders what others will think as they this. Will they be bored or intrigued? I've told a few more people about the project. One friend asks, what is my main theme? I respond with the title I'm thinking of, "Out of the Box, Turning 40, an excuse for going around the world". Then she asks what is the secondary message, what do I want people to get? That is a harder question. Part of me says, there isn't really one, I'm writing this for myself, to remember and to let family and friends know what I did on my trip. I want readers to know that all things are possible. You can go off and have an adventure. The world is an interesting place. As Americans we are very fortunate but we don't have all the answers. It's a big, wonderful world out there filled with wide variety of people and landscapes and experiences. Each of us must find our own way through the maze, there is no right or wrong way. My journey was a way to loosen me from the self-assumptions about what I should be doing and who I should be. The mythical "them" that knows it all is just that, a myth of my own divining. I want to change the sound track in my own mind to reflect what I believe, what I have seen and heard and learned. For me, the contrast of other places helps me define my place in my own world with greater clarity.

End of August, 1999

Finally, I am finishing this book, a journey in itself. May your adventures be filled with wonder and joy.